We arrived in South America at place called Casablanca. I had a small suspicion that Captain Brooks had reasons of his own for wanting to arrive at Morocco. His show of overwhelming surprise and bewilderment at having arrived at Africa were spoilt a little bit by the fact that there were several people waiting to meet him at the harbour.

The expedition split into two groups. I hired a local guide, took an elephant gun and two days supplies in the first land rover. Sandy and Joe took a bottle of whisky, a pack of cards and a compass in the second. Mr Pepperday was still feeling a bit groggy so decided to stay in his cabin.

My guide obviously misunderstood what kind of expedition I was on because our first stop was outside what on could only call a house of ill repute. I explained in great detail, talking very slowly and pronouncing all my vowels that I was looking for animals not a good time. I thought a minute hoping I had phrased it right.

" I know that old chap. " said the guide in perfect English. " You don't have to spell it out, I was educated at Eaton you know. " He still insisted that we went in.

" Good morning. " I said, raising my pith helmet to a lady sitting just inside the door as we went in.

" This way. " said my guide.

" Are you sure. " I said. We went through a blue door, two red doors, a blue wallpapered passage and through a pink door, It led to a pink room.

" Good morning. " I said again to another lady, who was wearing nothing but two very thin veils, both round her face.

" Look. . . " said my guide.

" I am looking. " I said.

" At the wall. " said the guide. "You must be joking. " I said.

" You have to pay for that. " he said.

" Which wall. " I said.

" This wall. " he pointed to one of the top corners and among the cobwebs was a large brown spider with a white flash along its back. " Well done. " I said to the guide. " That's the very rare Watsons spider. "

The Watsons spider was discovered by Watson, surprise surprise, in 1862 and its bite is supposed to mean instant death to a virgin. It was obviously out of luck in this place.

We boxed about five spiders and journeyed out of the town and into the desert.

Dieheab, as my guide was called, had about eleven thousand cousins, brothers, aunts, uncles and other relations. During the course of our journey I was to hear about most of them.

We stopped the Land Rover by a small pool of water. I got out, it was a bit hot and the sun wasn't full up yet. I looked into the pool of water, only It wasn't water it was oil. I looked up at Dieheab. With a big grin spreading across his face he said.

" That is where my cousin Abdul only two days ago broke his crank case. "

I hoped that our next stop would be more productive, a small village where I could get some desert mice.

Everyone we talked to agreed there were desert mice there, too many in fact, they were a menace. Still search as I might I couldn't find one. There was an old man who had been watching me with interest.

" You won't find any mice now. " he said.

" O no. " I said. " Don't tell me they're all dead. "

" It's noon. " he said. I hadn't expected him to say that.

" What's that go to do with it. " I asked.

" They don't like the heat they only come out after dark. " he said.

" Sensible things. " I said. " But doe's that mean I will have to stay here all day. "

" No problem. " said Dieheab. " I have a cousin who can put us up for the night. "

" It's not that. " I said. " I wanted to get on and see the temple of Tic Teaross. " I turned to the appropriate page in my newly bought guide book.

That's no problem. " said Dieheab. " We can be there and back before nightfall. "

I suppose I should have known better, but I didn't. We set off.

The sun was playing peek-a-boo behind distant sand hills before we even got to the Tic Teaross temple. By the time we arrived no one else was there, the last buss full of tourists had long gone and a silence fell over the whole place. In the evening light the temple was very beautiful, we wandered around untill it went dark. Boy did it go dark.

We made camp by the Land Rover under the shadow of the temple. As the evening breeze started to get up the temple began to make wailing noises. Woooooooooo wooooooooo

" Its your ancestors calling. " I said to Dieheab.

" I think not. " said Dieheab. " I have no relatives buried here. " " I don't believe it. " I said.

" Believe what. " said Dieheab.

" That your relations have missed one. " I said.

The fire was going down as we both got into our sleeping bags and the last shadows of the fire flickered off the ancient walls. I started thinking about the romance of it all, here under the stars, the history, the ancient pharaohs, the curse of the pharaohs, ......... the curse of the pharaohs . I started imagining bandaged figures lurking in the shadows. The fire started to die down and the shadows grew darker and the bandaged figures came closer.

Not that I was scared to let the fire go out, I just thought it would be nice to have a cup of tea. I built the fire up again and put the kettle on. The shadows moved further away and I sat happily eating a biscuit waiting for the water to boil.

The hairs on the back of my neck suddenly pricked up, a cold shiver went down my back. I looked disbelievingly across the fire to where I had left my pith helmet. It was moving, all on its own, moving slowly across the sand.

With a great effort of will I crept round to it. It still moved slowly on. Every nerve in my body was waiting for that dreadful cry of the ancient pharaoh. I put my foot on the helmet. There was a shriek. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. . . . . . . .

Relief washed over me like a warm wave as I heard that familiar cry. A mouse with his tail caught.

Lifting the hat I managed to catch it, a desert mouse of the type I had been looking for. My fears lost in work I spent the rest of the night hunting mice. By morning I had several caught and caged. Dieheab woke at six in the morning unaware of my nocturnal activity. He drove and I slept all the way back to the ship.

I stowed my spider and mice along with a few other flowers and plants and was back on deck with Mr Pepperday when Sandy and Joe arrived back riding on a camel.

Mr Pepperday was feeling a bit better and enjoying the sunshine. We both watched as Joe and Sandy tried to push the camel up the gang plank. " What do you think you're doing. " shouted Mr Pepperday.

" We've bought a camel. " shouted Joe pushing, the camel didn't want a boat ride.

" What the hell for. " shouted Mr Pepperday.

" The zoo, zoo, zoooooooooo. " said Joe collapsing on the dockside. He had been at the local tipple. Sandy, who being a Scott, could take any amount of drink as if it were water, was leaning against the camel. " Well. " shouted Mr Pepperday to him.

Mr Pepperday was wishing he'd stayed in his cabin.

" He insisted we bought it. " said Sandy pointing at Joe. " I didn't think you wanted a camel but you are the experts. "

" O no. " said Mr Pepperday. " I'm feeling sick. " He turned to me. " Sort It out and don't let them bring it aboard. " he said. Mr Pepperday then disappeared back into his cabin.

" Get rid if it. " I shouted to Sandy.

" How does on get rid of a camel. " said Sandy.

" You got it. " I said.

" Got what. " said Joe sitting up.

" The camel. " said Sandy.

" What camel. " said Joe. The camel didn't like the situation any more than we did, It turned its head and spat at Joe.

" Ooooooo my head hurts. " said Joe from the top hunk. Serves you right. " I said.

" What happened. " said Joe.

" I'm not talking about it. " I said. " Now stop moaning and go to sleep. "

" I can't. " said Joe. " There's a man with a hammer inside my head going bang, bang, bang. "

" I hope it hurts. " I said.

" And the room 's going up and down. " said Joe.

" The room is going up and down. " I said.

" You what. " said Joe looking down at me in amazement.

" We've been two days at sea you idiot. " I said.

" Two days. " said Joe. " What happened to one day.

" You slept through that. " I said.

" Oooooooo my head. " said Joe and hid his head beneath his pillow.

Mrs Jabody was taken on as ships cook partly because the pub she owned burnt down two days before we sailed and partly because no one else would take the job.

Captain Brooks went around muttering to himself for a couple of days about it being bad luck having a woman on board. He decided this was superstitious nonsense after he had tasted a few of her meals. Mrs Jabody is simply the best cook I know. What she can do with a couple of potatoes and a tin of corned beef would make any French chef creep into his oven and hide.

" Urrrrrrrr. . . . . This soups awful. " said Joe spitting it all over the table.

It turned Mr Pepperday from pale lavender to a deep green and he disappeared back into his cabin to he sick.

" Mrs Jabody. . . " we all shouted.

" What's the trouble. " she said, coming out of the galley. " Want some more soup. "

" Not ruddy likely. " I said. " That is if it is soup. "

" What's the matter with it. " she said looking a bit upset.

" It's not your usual standard. " said Joe.

" To be honest, it's bloody awful. " said Sandy.

" I don't understand. " said Mrs Jabody taking a spoon and trying some.

" Hummmmmm. . . . . " she said, sipping it, she stood a moment looking at the ceiling.

" Well. " I said.

" It. " she said, pausing again. " Tastes a little bit like old axle grease. "

"This isn't you Mrs Jabody. " I said. " We've grown accustomed to better things. "

" I don't understand it. " said Mrs Jabody. " Although I did think it looked a bit funny when I mixed it. " She stood thinking. " and I had to use a big weight to keep the saucepan lid on when it was cooking. "

" Where's it from. " I said.

" I'll show you. " said Mrs Jabody. She returned from the galley carrying a large tin.

We all read the label very carefully. ' Dried Vegetable Soup. ' it said ' caterers pack. Mix with ten parts water and stir while bringing to the boil. ' We looked in the tin.

" Looks O. K. " I said.

" Try mixing a bit. " said Mrs Jabody.

I took a big spoonful and dropped it into a glass of water.

The resulting explosion sent bits of glass and water flying all over the cabin.

" Now that's what I call vegetable soup. " said Joe, getting up off the floor.

" It must be made if Welsh leeks. " said Sandy, who had ended up in the corner.

" How an earth did you manage to make a gallon of it. " I said to Mrs Jabody.

" Perhaps it improves with being opened. " she said.

We took some on deck in an empty jam jar. Joe threw it as far as he could into the sea. It disappeared beneath the waves, for a few seconds there was nothing, then there was a giant upheaval like a depth charge blowing up under the sea.

A large column of water shot into the air.

We all just looked at it in disbelief.

We didn't have any more vegetable soup for the rest of the voyage.

Joes little experiment however did provide us with fish for supper.

The only fish Joe has ever caught.